Stealing Jewelry, Part 2

5.  Ok once you’re in, keep in mind that the majority of high rise apartments are occupied by trust fund twenty-something females who are “feminists” enough to live on their own and pretend to take care of themselves, but doing so while their dad pay their rent under the condition that they stay in a building with a doorman. “I’d rather pay $2000/month and know you’re safe than have you pay $900/month and have to worry!” These women tend to have lots of jewelry, 90% of it was in a 3/$10 bin at the mall but the other 10% of it is white gold with diamonds they received at their bat mitzvahs.

Knowing the difference is where my idea for a new mobile app comes in. I looked into these guys at Code Brew Labs to develop if for me. An effective thief knows the difference between quality metals and soft metals. The more time you can put between your time in the building and the charges filed for the missing jewelry (although let’s be honest, most of these women lose enough jewelry at bars, nightclubs, and strangers’ bedrooms that they’re PROBABLY not gonna file a claim for a suddenly-missing white gold star of david that they haven’t worn in a decade) the more likely you are to be successful. This is why you should only take one or two high quality pieces from each apartment. And leave nothing in disarray.

The same way the Uber app is basically just a way for creepy dudes with cars to get easy access to drunk women going home alone, the Metals app is just a way for smalltime thieves to only steal high quality metals.

More on that later.

6.  Getting out of the building is pretty much just as easy as getting in – just be white, well-dressed, and look like you know what you’re doing. Pretending you belong in a place (as long as you look like the people who do) is a sure way to begin belonging in that place. On the off-chance that the apartment-dwellers arrive while you’re in there, just act like you belong by referring back to some issue with the building plumbing or a pipe or something. You work for the building and you’re ensuring tenant safety. They won’t even realize that’s weird until their daily check-in with Dad when HE asks all the questions SHE should have asked and she respond, “Ohmigod DAD you’re so overprotective, nothing bad ever happens in this part of the city!”

Guess what! Bad things happen in every part of the city! They’re just quieter about it in your neighborhood so you don’t catch on.

7.  So you’re out of the building. I’ve mentioned the pawn shop a few times but that’s pretty archaic. The internet is your pawn shop now! All you have to do is set up a dummy Etsy account under a stolen email account. Have your new jewelry appraised – go to a Jewish jeweler and claim you’re gifting your nieces some of her grandmother’s jewelry and want to ensure that it’s high enough quality or whatever. Then, list it online as vintage and sell it back to a proxy for the same girl whose got stolen and is trying to replace it before her dad notices as Yom Kippur next week

8. You are now a jewel thief! A successful one!